Organized Mess

This loneliness is getting the best of me. It didn't make a sudden appearance; more of a gradual, subtle kind of entrance and now it seems to have settled and become a part of me. I could be in a room with a hundred familiar faces and feel like I'm all by myself because that's how it is in my head. I can't talk to anyone properly. I'd try and explain what I'm going through but I think I'd just end up confusing everyone. The words of advice...I appreciate them, but they're not helping. I wish they would but they won't. I came home to an empty house and I hate this place. I want to move out but I still can't. The one person I've always been able to tell everything to is pretty much out of reach. I feel null and void and I just want to feel nothing at all. All the signs point to letting him go; my mind is trying to be rational and telling me to end it completely meanwhile my heart wants to remain naive and is telling me to hold on because there's hope that it'll all be worth it in the end because he will come around eventually. It's a war and I don't know which side should win. I'm tired of waiting and I want to know how much longer he plans to make me wait. What do you do when things don't seem to ever work out the way they should anymore? The way you expect them to? What do you do when the things you had faith in let you down? What do you when you feel like you're breaking, or at least your heart is? I tried blocking it out, I tried drowning it ALL out...but I couldn't. It's all so much stronger than me. Now I'm wondering how strong I ever was in the first place. Maybe I'm just not. Everytime my eyes burn, I feel like the weakest person alive.

I'm skipping school because I'm unwell (cue Matchbox 20's song playing in my head). I'm pretty sure I got over being sick, like, a millisecond ago...and now I'm sick again? What the hell, man. My immune system sucks!

And I've got a report on some dude with a theory on personality development for next week. Die.

Yesterday, I did the smartest thing I've done in quite awhile and stopped listening (but it was the dumb kind of smart decision, if that makes any sense at all which it probably doesn't). I already feel like crap physically and emotionally and, like I told Carla, I really don't need anything else to make me feel worse. If only I could be REALLY smart and just stop dealing with this bullshit altogether. He's like a fucking whirlpool - he sucks me in, every single time, into a world of madness, lying, deceiving, jealousy, cheating, stolen kisses, not-so-wholesome sleepovers, revenge, self-inflicted harm, crying...need I go on? It's more bad than good, but the good makes up for all the bad. Still, I know it's not healthy. But when you're as insanely attracted to pain as I am, then it's all kind of hard to give up. Even more so when hearts get in the way. My whirlpool.

I thought I had made up my mind about what to do about the whole situation. Then my set-on-shuffle-playlist decided to be an asshole and played a certain song which never fails to make me miss him. And then, riiiight after I had just texted Norelle saying I wasn't going to call or text him anymore, guess what? He called me. To ask me how I was and to tell me he missed me.

I would very much like to believe that I am so much better than all of this.

So there's a guy from my school that I dated seven fucking months ago for about 2 seconds and he moved away before this sem started but all of a sudden he's back and being all papansin around campus. He & his twat of a sister better be ready to get their heads bitten off by me tomorrow in school because I just found out that Ex's sister dissed me...in front of my cousin.

Okay, first of all...how stupid can you get? You don't diss your brother's ex in front of someone who is related to her unless you're really looking to get your ass kicked.

Secondly, late reaction much? Like I previously mentioned, I dated the guy back in December. And for less than two weeks. So someone tell me why the fuck this shit is happening now.

Some people are just...wow. Like my cousin told Ex's annoying sibling, "Walang cure para sa insecurity." Attention-seeking whore!

Moving on! Today's sociology class was interesting albeit embarassing because my professor totally put me in the hot seat. We were discussing love, marriage, courtship, blah blah blah and all of a sudden my prof asks me what are the proper methods of courtship. Then he asks if I have a boyfriend. And cue a lot of uncomfortable questions for me, the most being the simplest one of all: "Do you love him?" Keep in mind, the whole time my professor was making me squirm with all the questions, the whole class was reacting to every single one of my answers either with hoots, "yiheee"'s, etc.

I was also interrogated on how I knew I loved the guy or not. After several answers which led way to even more "how do you know"'s, I finally came out with an answer that made my professor stop and think. And the whole class to, once again, explode with "yihee"'s:

"Well, I see his flaws and tinatanggap ko sila instead of trying to change him. I accept them as part of who he is. So there."

Sana naman wag nako i-gisado ng professor ko sa susunod na class noh?

Random: I want to go to Capones.

I'm almost flat broke. This is going to be fun. End sarcasm.

So I've decided to move to Blogspot. Hi, guys.

Now, I'm wondering why school wasn't cancelled for Laguna students. It was raining like a bitch here too. Especially when I was in PE. And after PE, therefore kinda leaving me stranded at the school gate because, as usual, I didn't bring an umbrella. Ako ang batang hindi marunong magdala ng payong...feeling waterproof daw. But it was okay because there's a guy in my PE class called John and he shared his umbrella with me. I stayed in Cyber for awhile, smoked a cig & waited for the rain to let up just a little bit before going home.

For the last few weeks, I've been feeling...something. Last night, I figured out what it was: loneliness. I'm the loneliest I've been in a long time and I just wish that hanging out with my best friend in Starbucks was still an option.

Someone texted me earlier to tell me that that, once again, there's "talk" of us again. And by us, I mean Lover & me. Walang kamatayan. Leche. I don't even know why people are still talking about the whole thing when we haven't exactly been all PDA on everyone's asses. But it just made me sadder and a whole lot more annoyed. Partly because it doesn't feel like there's anything between us anymore, and I really wish there still was something.